Mike Conklin's Diaries - Part 3 - The Bus Ride
You’ve heard of a “New York second”? Generally it is measured this way: It is the time it takes for a stoplight to turn green and some asshole behind you to honk his or her horn.
Things are a bit more leisurely with the CUBS. Here is our definition: It is the amount of time it takes to first get settled on the bus and start to nod off for some much-wanted sleep before Jerry starts blaring away on the on the microphone.
The bus ride not only transports you to western Iowa to start RAGBRAI, it takes you out of your comfort zone. The eight-hour ride is when you first learn to deal with the loss of creature comforts. Their absence is, more or less, the underlying theme for the next seven days.
This fact is obvious to CUBS veterans. We’ve learned because we’ve made this trip on buses with air conditioning that didn’t work and toilets that clogged by the time we hit Aurora. And, of course, there was the year the CUBS’ bus completely broke down two hours from our destination, leaving 60 of us with this choice: Wander outside in blazing sunshine alongside a busy, shade-less interstate in the middle of nowhere or stay inside and endure stifling heat.
You are taught this lesson of a shrinking comfort zone early on the bus ride. Sometimes it begins with sitting next to a total stranger, but for sure it starts with Jerry’s non-stop announcements that, for the most part, are a complete re-hash of the e-mails he’s been sending. (Of course this isn’t all bad because I’m guessing many of you stopped reading them, oh, about mid-May.)
It can get worse because, inevitably, some other veterans will feel moved to ask for the microphone and bore us more with their observations or lame humor. Some CUBS used to bring movies to show, but, ever since Joe Norber’s contribution turned out to be pornographic a few years ago—much to the discomfort of several riders making the trip with their kids, this has become discouraged.
There will be drinks (no booze) and food on board. Those who like to eat blueberry and banana muffins the size of a 16-inch softball will be in for a special treat. Those who do not like blueberry and banana muffins the size of a 16-inch softball will have to wait for one of our two, 10-minute stops.
Then, it will be decision time: Do you run to McDonald’s, Hardees, or Burger King, your only choices for food, or use the bathroom because you were too shy for the one on the bus? Better hurry. Lines form quickly.
Meanwhile, Jerry will be standing at the bus with a stopwatch.